Hervorgehoben

Life lessons

This is my life.

This is my journey

The ultimate path

There are so many lessons to learn

Whilst so many open questions

Keeping them ..

Now: the break- through

We can share open questions.

Thoughts which beam us in a parallel universe.

Probably we are not the only people there.

Maybe you have similar thoughts

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Eating Disorder. The Life-enabler

My eating disorder is an issue. Everyone would say that. Being healthy and normal is good and important. But what if the eating disorder gives me abilities which help me being extraordinary or even just better than others in other ways than being skinny or eating little?

There are some benefits I am really sad about giving up by recovery:

1. Being disciplined with eating makes me disciplined in life.

Sounds crazy but all this organized planing and strucuting is very
good for my perfomance in uni. My whole day is more structured when my
eating is just perfectly in place

2. Compulsive exercise:
Helps me to get a clear head and to relief stress. it stopps me from
becoming overwhelmed or emotionally involved with my environment. i
stay clear headed
3. This is HUGE for me: I stop caring what other people think (at least a
little bit) : Im so consumed by loosing weight and making a good
performance in uni.. there is no space for thoughts about other
people’s thoughts. Plus i have not enough energy. i get a tunnelblick
when im with a low energy balance.

Der Schmerz

Der Schmerz- Ich bin gelähmt

Ich fühle nichts. Ich bin stumm.
Dinge, die ich begehrte haben sich aufgelöst.
Als greife man nach Wind.
Als zerstöre sich selbst, was mich erfüllt.
Ich suchte.
Ich jagte.
Ich war ausgezehrt. Wie ein hungriges Tier suchte ich im Überfluss Nahrung
Die Sehnsucht fraß mich auf. Ich war ein nach Wasser lechzender Fisch im klaren Wasser
Nun bin ich ein Ochse, der darum bettelt getrieben zu werden.
Was treibt mich? Was erfüllt mich? Was berührt mich?
Was ist Leben?
Gibt es das überhaupt?
Berührung?
Das Jagen, es zehrt an einem, auf eine betörende Weise liebt man es zu jagen. Zu hoffen. Zu glauben. Höher, weiter schneller, schöner.
Wenn es nicht besser geht. Wenn das was man hat, das ist womit man auskommen muss.
Wenn das was man kriegt, nicht mehr das ist was man will.
Wenn man gar nicht mehr will.
Dann ist man wie ein leeres Gefäß
Wenn die Melodie, die einst dein Leben bestimmte, plötzlich verstummt.
Wenn alles, was du zerdacht hast, beschworen hast, nicht mehr ist, als das was es ist.
Was ist dann? Dann ist das Akzeptieren, das was das Leben bietet.
Akzeptanz
Dann ist alles, was es scheint zu sein und somit ist es nichts.
Nichts im Verstand.
Wind ist Wind und Wasser ist Wasser.
Der Wind, der einst das Haar Strich und die Haut zum Kribbeln brachte. Ein Feuerwerk der Gefühle und Emotionen, die durch den Körper zogen und eine Geschichte erzählten. Die den Kopf sanft küssten und ihm schöne Dinge flüsterten.
Dieser Wind ist nun nur noch Luft.
Das Wasser, das einen in ferne Welten trieb, den Körper sanft und kalt packte und ihm neues Leben einhauchte- dies ist nun nur noch feuchtes Nass.
Ist das genug? Es ist zumindest nicht zu wenig.
Doch eines ist sicher.
Die Leere wird mein Gefäß ausdünnen.
Sie wird mich verzehren. Langsam und stetig
Wie das Leben.

I think I’m weird lookingo

I hate how self-absorbed this generation is. So incredibly hyperfocused on looks. I hate it but in the end I’m just the same and not better. A product of my time. Usually I try to find the right parameters to tell whether I’m ugly or not. I know it’s stupid and superfluous and also extremely irrelevant. But I just know that I can’t trust my own perception of myself at all. Can you? Who can really perceive truth. Truth and reality? Isn’t our reality made up by many things? Why am I even thinking that I might have social issues because of my looks and/or poor intelligence?

Forget it. It probably doesn’t matter.

See you !

There always has to be an object of concern

Subjective perception of a persons value / your value as a personality improves and deteriorates with the quality of three parameters:

Appearance

Intelligence

Character

Appearance is composed of two subparameters: face, which means a lot but basically it’s symmetry and proper jaw and chin development as well as eye shape and distance between them.

For sure, body. Which can mean anything really. Either athletic, sporty and curvy butt, bulky, thin, skinny and just curvy without sporty. You name it

And also the factor „health“ which means healthy skin, thick hair and nails and for sure no diseases.

Intelligence is mich harder to define. Although it is praised in society to have high intelligence, nobody really likes hyperintelligent geniuses. At least many don’t. And many people think that high intelligence is causative for low happiness. Anyway we are not talking about social acceptance and happiness, we are talking about personal value of value of a person for society.

Intelligence can be determined by IQ as well as EQ. Or better said rational Quotient and emotional Quotient.

To be continued

Feeling stupid

I am wondering

A lot

I am overwhelmed.

Do you know this situation, in which you are surrounded by a bunch of students. Seminar or whatever. It used to be your favourite studying subject. You chose this because you thought that you have enough brain mass to accomplish the tasks.

They talk about something. You Listen threatened, realising : I have no idea about anything they say.

The thought cycle starts.

„What am I even doing here? I know nothing! I am supposed to know something, right!?“

Yeah. A dull weird feeling comes to your guts. It slowly conquers your whole body. Not really painful but uncomfortable. In your head you feel like as if you were fainting.

Is this anxiety? Or just the feeling of powerlessness?

„The question is, why do i don’t know this. I should know this,.. and that. At least I used to.. why do they….. oh i know why…“

„I’m too dump“

„Plain stupidity“

You hear it in your head. It hits you like a foot in your stomach.

You want to scream. The feelings of insufficiency and inadequacy are taking your breath.

Sure those are no real feelings. But you know how it feels physically and mentally:

thinking to be inadequate.

Not enough.

And since you know these feelings so well due to the duration and frequency of these feelings, that they are just the inadequacy- feelings for you. They are very special and differ a lot to normal feelings of sadness.

They mostly result in a feeling of complete weakness and restlessness.

„Is it time to realise that I’m not intelligent enough?“ You ask yourself the 100. time.

„It’s time to die“-

Well this isn’t what you wanted to say to yourself, right?

But honestly.. these situations occur on a daily basis to me. And because of the fact that my perception of my own stupidity and low intelligence, are a manifested threat to my future, thus my survival and well being, I give the person that gives me this insane pain legit death threats to frighten it away from me.

Problem is: this person is me as well.

And if you are still following: you probably know what I’m talking about, right?

Or you don’t and think I’m ridiculously crazy.

Let me tell you something : some people experience self-doubt like crazy ! It knocks them down! And others are incredible resistible towards any criticism and self reflection. They are just god damn awesome even if they aren’t.

Seriously .. I don’t know which option is worse.

I just know that life is tough.

Harder than I ever thought.

If I ever manage to become a doctor … I don’t know… this would be incredible.

Does anyone know what I’m talking about ?

The under-turtle 🐢