I am wondering
I am overwhelmed.
Do you know this situation, in which you are surrounded by a bunch of students. Seminar or whatever. It used to be your favourite studying subject. You chose this because you thought that you have enough brain mass to accomplish the tasks.
They talk about something. You Listen threatened, realising : I have no idea about anything they say.
The thought cycle starts.
„What am I even doing here? I know nothing! I am supposed to know something, right!?“
Yeah. A dull weird feeling comes to your guts. It slowly conquers your whole body. Not really painful but uncomfortable. In your head you feel like as if you were fainting.
Is this anxiety? Or just the feeling of powerlessness?
„The question is, why do i don’t know this. I should know this,.. and that. At least I used to.. why do they….. oh i know why…“
„I’m too dump“
You hear it in your head. It hits you like a foot in your stomach.
You want to scream. The feelings of insufficiency and inadequacy are taking your breath.
Sure those are no real feelings. But you know how it feels physically and mentally:
thinking to be inadequate.
And since you know these feelings so well due to the duration and frequency of these feelings, that they are just the inadequacy- feelings for you. They are very special and differ a lot to normal feelings of sadness.
They mostly result in a feeling of complete weakness and restlessness.
„Is it time to realise that I’m not intelligent enough?“ You ask yourself the 100. time.
„It’s time to die“-
Well this isn’t what you wanted to say to yourself, right?
But honestly.. these situations occur on a daily basis to me. And because of the fact that my perception of my own stupidity and low intelligence, are a manifested threat to my future, thus my survival and well being, I give the person that gives me this insane pain legit death threats to frighten it away from me.
Problem is: this person is me as well.
And if you are still following: you probably know what I’m talking about, right?
Or you don’t and think I’m ridiculously crazy.
Let me tell you something : some people experience self-doubt like crazy ! It knocks them down! And others are incredible resistible towards any criticism and self reflection. They are just god damn awesome even if they aren’t.
Seriously .. I don’t know which option is worse.
I just know that life is tough.
Harder than I ever thought.
If I ever manage to become a doctor … I don’t know… this would be incredible.
Does anyone know what I’m talking about ?
The under-turtle 🐢